Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
