I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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