I hate all girls vehemently.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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