so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
