Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
