i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
