I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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