You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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