It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
