Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
