I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ladies don't puke and tell
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
