i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The best revenge is premature balding
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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