i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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