I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
