Betty ford says i'm here all night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
