Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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