I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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