Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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