life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
