I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize