Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
