you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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