i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
