I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
