woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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