As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
