is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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