you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
