This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
