And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
