i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
