doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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