Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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