Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
