Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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