Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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