Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
