If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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