I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My cat gives me a boner
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
