I could make wine with my vomit
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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