I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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