I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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