I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
