i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
