Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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