he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
