I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
