I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
