They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
pop tarts are not kleenex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
