my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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