apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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