Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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