I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
