my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
