I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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